Two Boobs

This is going to be a TMI post, so just get over it or stop reading now.

I’ve had an epiphany.

Girl bras are way better.

What’s a girl bra? Two boobs. Not a sports bra. NOT what I’ve been wearing for the last 12 years. Yes, you read correctly, I’ve been sporting the uni-boob for 12 years. Since roughly the minute I graduated from high school, I’ve been strapping into a sports bra every morning. (No, mom, I didn’t sleep in them.)

And it is back smoothing. But more on that bit later.

So last weekend, I was out shopping with my better half and my BFF and Jenn and I got the idea in my head that it was time to switch to the girl bra.

As Brian would say, I was planning on, “getting dressed up.” Read: 2 boobs = dressed up. I haven’t been, “dressed up” in a long time. I’ve been smooshing and slinging them into one neat (or not so much by the amount of adjusting I’d do in a given day) package in the middle of my chest.

So they went to Old Navy, and off I toddled to Marshalls to check out their bra section, and self-fit. Yes, I know, you’re supposed to go to the Warner’s or some other place and have some old lady feel you up and shove your tits around until they find you the perfect fit, but I wanted it NOW, and NOW was not a time that a specialty bra store was open.

I grabbed a few sizes off the rack that to me were big, bigger and oh-shit-I-hope-they-aren’t-THAT-big, and trudged into the dressing room. (I’ve had bad experiences in Marshalls dressing rooms before. Kicked out of the women’s room for being in the “wrong” one, needing to be saved by my girlier friends…) No issues getting through the tight 6-garment security.

So 12 years is a long time. And my arms don’t twist around like that so well anymore. I started sweating. And swearing. Not so under-my-breath. And thinking that only a fucking contortionist can do this.

5 bras later, I learned four things:

1. My boobs are bigger than I had previously thought.
2. Girl bras are way better. No more slinging for me.
3. I might have to do the old lady trick and clasp in the front and then twist around. Ok, there’s no might about it.
4. Back smoothing is a real thing.

A few notes about moving into the land of the two-boobs:

• I notice them. A lot. Like, “oh shit, there are two now.”
• I notice them. A lot. Like, “oh shit, why do some women pay for this shit?”
• I hardly notice them. Like, “huh, look at that. They stay put.”
• My friends think it’s funny. Like, “how are your two boobs doing today?
• Even though back smoothing implies back fat, it’s so worth it to get over that little implied yuck. There is back fat. Smooth it.

Two boobs is a whole new world.

A strange world where shirts fit properly and you don’t have to adjust every 10 seconds.