Last night, at 10:47p, my girlfriend called me and said:
Her: Do you know you can’t eat 6 Saltines in a minute?
Me: I can.
Her: No, that’s what I said too, but you can’t. I couldn’t do it and neither could the people I was with. I only got 3. Craig only got 2. You can’t do it. Your mouth dries up and you can’t swallow. You’re telling yourself: swallow. But you can’t do it. I promise, you can’t do it.
Me: No, honey, I can do it.
Her: Ok, baby, try it. You’re going to try it and you’re not going to be able to do it and then you’re going to blog about it.
She knows me pretty well, clearly.
Me: Not right now, it’s late. I’ll do it tomorrow. But I can do it. I mean, I love Saltines. I can totally do it. Ok, I’m going to do it now. Ugh. (that’s the sound of me getting out of bed)
Off I go to the cabinet to get the Saltines down. Digging around on tip-toe (I’m not the tallest person in the whole world.)
Me: Ok. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. I have them all right here. What am I going to use to time myself? Um… ok, I’m ready now. Go!
I put the first one in my mouth and it’s down in like 6 seconds. I’m in good shape. The second one stabs me in the roof of the mouth and takes like 27 seconds to swallow. The third is a little faster, as is the fourth, but that one gets kinda stuck in my throat and then I get half of the fifth down and it’s time. I can not believe I can’t do this.
The whole time, she’s laughing her ass off and saying some version of, “I told you so.”
Me: What the hell, I can not believe I couldn’t do it.
Her (triumphant): I told you! I’m going to start betting people. I’m going to bring sleeves of Saltines to bars and bet people they can’t do it. I’m going to make a killing.
Try it. I bet you can’t do it either.
UPDATE – Read the rules and prizes!
