Once upon a time, there was an annual event known affectionately as Lesbian Christmas. This event, hosted by Elisa and Officer Friendly (her ex), was a madhouse holiday party with more food, dykes, and drama than most normal people can imagine. It always featured a massive, insane, cutthroat Yankee Swap, the likes of which has not been seen before or since.
One year a special new addition to Lesbian Christmas arrived: The Chocolate Fountain. (This is where you say OOOOH and AAAAH!) Elisa had purchased the fountain as a gift for Officer Friendly after they saw one at a wedding.
As we all know Elisa loves homemade chocolate covered strawberries, so this was an easy and fun way to ensure that we didn’t run out. The KP crew had prepared enough pretzel sticks, pineapple, cored strawberries, and an assortment of other sweet and savory dipping treats to feed an army. Dark delicious chocolate was melted and all was good in the world.
Now if you know Elisa, you know that she loves and implicitly trusts her BFF Lauren. So she asked Lauren to be in charge of keeping the chocolate fountain full and loaded. However, Lauren needed to leave briefly to pick up Sister Lolita, who was in town without transportation. During this window of time, Elisa decided that the fountain needed to be refilled, so she pulled out the dark chocolate wafers she had used to fill the fountain initially, and tossed them in.
Did you know that you are only supposed to use special, low-melting-point chocolate in a chocolate fountain? Or even better, pre-melt it before you fill the fountain? Neither did Elisa.
If you’re unfamiliar with the functioning of the chocolate fountain, it is essentially a thin tube from through which chocolate is pumped up from the bottom reservoir and out the top to cascade elegantly down the outside of the upper fountain tiers. The pump operates at very low pressure so the chocolate flows softly and gently.
Have you ever put your thumb over the end of a garden hose with a trickle of water flowing through it? Have you ever gotten a chocolate chip stuck in the straw while drinking a shake? Then you can imagine what happened when a piece of unmelted chocolate got sucked up into the tube.
First, we all noticed a strange sound.
Then, just as the realization that this was an unhappy chocolate fountain pump motor dawned on us, and just as we noticed that no chocolate was flowing out of the top of the fountain, it exploded. It was like that moment in formulaic action flicks where the hero runs toward the ticking time bomb in slow motion while screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOO!”
In the action movies, they make it in time.
We didn’t.
Chocolate went shooting out of the top of the fountain, all over the wall, the curtain, the food. Instantly everything was COVERED.
What’s that?
Chocolate covered chicken satay, chicken wings, and meatballs. Mmmmm.
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Elisa is a little, um, well organized. Particular. One might even say compulsive. The first time I was at her house she asked me to get a candle, then directed me to a cabinet where they were organized in a complex three-dimensional matrix by color, scent, and height. She doesn’t even hold a candle to the particularity of Officer Friendly. For a moment the room was silent, eyes wide. Then someone shouted, “Clean it up before Officer Friendly comes in here!” and we all sprang in to action before the game of ping pong in the garage ended. Tupperwares of warm water, sponges, and paper towels were distributed. The curtain was removed. Unsalvageable food was tossed. And within 20 minutes everything was back to normal.
Except, perhaps, for Elisa.
